Building and Maintaining Trust in Relationships across Differences

Dionardo Pizaña, Diversity and Personnel Specialist

Michigan State University Extension

A key fundamental characteristic for developing and maintaining healthy relationships across differences is the development and preservation of trust. Being willing to be engaged in an interaction across differences at the interpersonal or organizational level in and of itself does not signify that trust exists in these relationships.  Trust must be a mutually defined relational principle that needs continuous work and updating.  It is effortful, intentional and ongoing. Developing trust across difference requires active listening that is focused on attempting to understand the realities of others and honors their realities as being just as relevant as my own. Trust is centered on the ability to reduce denial and defensiveness and a commitment to remaining in the relationship and “at the table” as the relationship develops and when tension or discomfort arises. Trust evolves as we intentionally identify the places where our relationship gets stuck and work together as co-equals to figure out how we will keep the relationship intact operating from a place of wholeness, health and authenticity.

Helpful considerations that assist in the development and maintenance of trust across differences are:

·         Never assuming that trust is inherent in a relationship, especially across differences and that instead, it needs to be developed, nurtured and maintained over time.

·         Living in a society and within communities that have been historically segregated based on race, class and other differences, we have been overtly and subtly exposed to information about each other based in fear and stereotypes which have supported mistrust rather than trust.

·         Many of our past experiences across differences have lead us to mistrust each other, or at the minimum questions each other’s motives, which may only be changed through ongoing, positive and supportive interactions across differences.

·         The way that trust is defined and earned varies based on differences (race, gender, disabilities, sexual orientation, and class). It is important to use “both/and” thinking related to trust, rather than “either/or” thinking.

Helpful relationship skills that assist in the development and maintenance of trust across differences are:

·         Being open and honest

·         Being willing to suspend judgment or disbelief when someone of difference shares their reality, which might be vastly different from your own (related to experiences with individuals, within a work setting, within a community context, etc.)

·         Being willing to accept (and hopefully understand) the emotions that may be expressed by people of difference attached to their life experiences and not attach negativism to the person or their emotions

·         Being willing to recognize, discuss and own my points of privilege while working to use my privilege in support of social justice, equity and inclusion

·         Being willing to be a lifelong learner about issues related to differences on your own and in community with people different from yourself

·         Giving up the need to be right

·         Work toward outcomes grounded in equity rather than equality

·         Being comfortable with unfinished conversations knowing that as we build trust in our relationships through authentic interactions, our conversations and relationship will grow deeper overtime.

·         Being committed to change at the personal, interpersonal, institutional and cultural levels

·         Fighting against the tendency to want to “fix” (savior mentality) situations for people of difference rather than engaging in conversations related to empowerment, shared power and partnership

·         Reframing questions to come up with new, more inclusive approaches (i.e., instead of asking “Is race playing into this situation?” we might ask, “How is race playing into this situation?”)

·         Finding ways to articulate and actualize how addressing issues of racism, sexism, heterosexism, classism and other forms of oppression will move us all toward our human core of connectedness, community, love and relationship

·         Looking first at myself when feelings of mad, sad or scared surface in relationships across differences rather than pointing the finger outward in a blaming or shaming manner

·         Be intentional about documenting your stories of developing and maintaining trust across differences as a way of celebrating your successes, sharing this information with new members of your community/organization/work, and as a way to hold yourselves accountable to your vision of trust, inclusiveness, and equity

What have you done to develop and maintain trust across differences in your personal, community or other relationships/work?

How have you worked to develop and maintain trust across differences using social media or other forms of electronic communication?  Is this possible?

What has been your biggest challenge or opportunity as you work toward building trust across differences?